How to Have Difficult Conversations with People You Love

Saying or hearing the words, “We need to talk,” often provokes feelings of uneasiness, mainly because these words acknowledge the elephant in the room: Something is unresolved and needs to be addressed, and because it is unresolved it remains uncertain. Uncertainty is an emotional state we as humans are not huge fans of, so our natural inclination might be to respond with pre-emptive defensiveness or the belief that we are right in an effort to create certainty and stability, and perhaps also preserve our egos. Add to this the fact that we all have beliefs about conflict and confrontation that were shaped by our past experiences and cultural backgrounds, so for many people these words might also elicit feelings of fear, dread, and perhaps the tendency to avoid conflict in order to keep the peace.

But what if speaking or hearing these words could be reframed as a need for connection, closeness, and deeper understanding?